If I waited until the skies were clear.

I would never do anything. That's the thought that crossed my mind when my husband, "Hiney", asked me I wanted to go on drive out to the res. (to walk the dog). I told him no. My customary answer. The skies were cloudy and overcast, it looked like rain, and when the weather looks like that, I just don't want to do anything. So what do I do instead? I sit around the house and get depressed, waiting for the skies to clear. But do you know what happens when I do that? I miss out on things; on life. And isn't that sad? When I can only find joy on the sunny days instead of learning to find joy on the cloudy days, too. God gives us both, doesn't He? But can I be honest with, though? I would rather have the sunny days. Really I would.

I don't know. Maybe I'm feeling this way because of the book I balled my way through last night. Dana's Valley written by Janette Oke and cowritten by her daughter Laurel. It's written from the perspective of Dana's younger sister, Erin, who is watching her sistr die of leukemia. Absolutely heart wrenching stuff to read. I think one of the things that struck me the most about the book was something Erin's mom said when Erin made the comment that she couldn't pray because it hadn't worked, her sister was still dying. Her mom corrected her and said, "We are all dying, Erin. Life is not what we are trying to hold on to for Dana. It was never about keeping her, even though it hurts so to lose. We're praying to release her...whenever it's God's will that she go."

I visit a couple of different blogs where the little ones are
suffering They are
battling for life. Other have already lost their battle. I know that Dana's Valley is a fictional story and that the blogs I visit are nonfiction, but the two are so closely related in my mind in regards to suffering it's hard for me to separate the two. You know what else is hard for me to do? It is hard for me to read the things I read and not somehow be affected by it. To not somehow be changed by it and have my belief system in God be altered by it. AND YET!... having said all that, I KNOW that God is good, that He has a plan and that His plan is PERFECT! I know that I KNOW that I know that. Yet irregardless of all that I know, my heart still hurts for them. For the pain and the loss they are going through. I no longer feel the same way about God as I did before. I no long see Him the same way. And that's a good thing. Because you see, I NEEDED to see Him in a different way. I needed to see him the way he really is. As being good, yes, but also as being sovereign and NOT being some magic genie I can command to do my will. It is HIS will that must be done. Thank you Trish for being so honest and transparent with your struggles dealing with transplant life and yet so steadfast in your faith. You have stretched my faith. You have encouraged and inspired me. Thank you for that.